Schizoid Man - 'Karate Juice EP'

What's amazing, looking back, is that this record was distinctive and different enough for me to pick it up in a record shop (Jumbo in Leeds, the price tag says), listen to it, and think 'cor, another slab of funky, beat-driven sampler music, I'll have some of that'.

It's a decent enough tune, the sort of thing you play early in the night just before you want to get people omto the dancefloor. It signifies a move from taxi-ing trip-hop to ass-shaking hip-hop. I remember doing just that one night at Leeds' Elbow Room, playing head-to-head with Moose (aka Paul Curtis, founder of a lot of things, but www.symbollix.com is his latest thing).

To paraphrase Dr. Johnson, worth hearing, but not worth going to hear

Papoose - 'Thug Connection'

Notable perhaps for starting with a punchy synth cover version of the A-Team theme, this actually kicks some serious arse, due in no small part to a guest appearance by Kool G Rap, who turns up, curses like a drunken uncle on Christmas day, and then leaves.

Another New York purchase, and bizarrely I think that I forsook the kickass A-side for the alphabetically arranged B-side, which is a great example of why trying to be clever isn't always a good thing. Sure, each verse/stanza is built around rhymes that start with the next letter of the alphabet, but it's actually rubbish. Tiring to listen to, impossible to dance to - so what's the point?

Give me a dumbass track featuring Kool G cursing over the A-team theme anytime.

Arsonists - 'Blaze'

I remember where and why I bought this - I was in New York in about 1999, and a mate was about to open a new hip-hop night in Leeds. It was called Loophole, and was notable for being the worst paid gig I ever did.

I don't remember how many weeks I played for nothing, but it was more than one or two. I should've known better, but hey, I'd just dropped a shedload of money on fat joints when I was in NYC. That's got to make me cool, right? When James, the promoter, started turning up telling me that he'd said a prayer before he came out, I should've known better, but you'll put up with endless nonsense from you mates, won't you?

I went to all the cool record shops in New York, bought all the hypest joints, and then flew home with them, happy in the knowledge that I was going to tear it up on the ones and twos in Leeds. I went to Fat Beats. I went to Discorama. I was on a mission.

Except actually, this is utter toss. Boring. Not totally without merit, but hip-hop as a slightly over-earnest art form. I'm all for trying to dance about architecture, but I refuse to dance to a record that is in any way trying to maintain some sort of artistic distance from the dancefloor.

Music is meant to move you in a primal way - if I want something thought-provoking, I'll read a book. If I'm listening to hip-hop, I want it to make me feel like I'm about to uprock, throw a windmill, whatever.

The worst bit is that this tune samples the War Of The Worlds theme. I pray to all that is holy that I never thought that was a good idea. And if I did, then count me guilty of overthinking what might make people shakes their asses on a dance floor. Oh well, it was only $4.49....

Beastie Boys - 'Scientists of Sound'

I'm a huge Beastie Boys fan. Well, I mean I was when I was a fan of any music. I remember being interviewed one night while playing at York Universoty, and was asked which band I'd most liked to be in. Without hesitation, I replied 'I'm actually the fourth Beastie Boy. Whenever I see them play, I can see how much they miss me. I'm missing in action, and they are trying to get me back, but it's not easy for them'. I said it with such conviction thst I must have seemed mentally ill. The nice young lady with the microphone took on a certain startled look and starting looking for an escape route.

I think I probably bought this record for the acapellas on it - certainly the remixes are pretty cursory, and I'm not sure I would've got away with doing anything other than using them as background music for that first 45 minutes of a club where no-one wants to dance, but you've got to have loud music playing. You don't want to start burning all your best tunes at 9.15, so you use remixes and album tracks to keep the punters in a holding pattern. And if it all goes off a bit early, hey, you're a great DJ for getting feet onto the dancefloor early.

For the avoidance of doubt, I never got to join the Beastie Boys. They probably still have me listed as missing in action.

Deadly Avenger - 'King Tito's Gloves EP'

Sprawling, groovy breakbeat of various tempos. Nicely produced, and although I was going to dismiss this as the sort of thing everyone with a sampler and a keyboard was doing in 1999, it's a notch above the usual cut-and-paste dross.

'Live at the Capri' starts with the theme from Superman, and then a couple of really great vocal rap loops over a fat-ass beat. I've used it to kick start a DJ set before now, but you've only got about 45 seconds of good stuff before it all gets a bit cheesy nu-disco funk. By the time the meandering piano breakdown kicks in halfway through, people will be leaving the dancefloor, so use the first 45 seconds to good effect, then get the hell out. Rob Overseer did something similar with this very record for a Mary Anne Hobbes DJ set that was studio-recorded in Leeds. I remember it took hours to get the set right - I went to the pub, watched a football match, had a couple of pints, came back, and he and engineer Dave were still arseing about, adding snippets to it. The DJ set sounded great on Radio 1 (this was probably in 2000), but I'm not sure it was worth all the hours of recording toilets flushing (in stereo!), multitracking and overdubs.

I'd be amazed if Damon Baxter (for it is he) isn't now writing movie soundtracks. Anyone know?

Tracks: King Tito's Gloves. In Pursuit of the Pimpmobile vII. Live at the Capri (Supermix). Lopez Part 2.

Catalogue Number: ILL-002